Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All women want is sex , while the guys just want to talk about feelings and cuddle..

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

   I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.

   I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.

   Wonders why there's an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?!

   I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the second day, I have no idea.

   wondering what would happen if he wrote, "For Marijuana" in the memo field of all his checks? ...

   PROUD to be serving as a Paratrooper in the U.S. Army Infantry....

   Someday, I hope to be able to afford an iPhone...like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps.

   Women over 200 pounds with a visible thong should have to register as sex offenders.

   Dear Congress, Before stopping military pay, you might want to think about what you trained us to do. Sincerely, A Proud Soldier

   wonders how skinny he would be if he had to pedal to keep the computer on.

   Won employee of the month again! I love being self employed.

   Dear sneeze, If you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and leave.

   If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's Day, just remember that nobody loves you on any other day of the year either.

   facebook needs a "settle down" button you tap on a friend's profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately.

   I heard there's a new drink bartenders are making, it's called a "Hurricane Sandy", essentially it's just a watered down Manhattan. (too soon?)

   Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks.

   a war baby. My parents took one look at me and started fighting

   I returned an online purchase and the form said for your security, please use Fedex, UPS, USPS, DHL or Parcel Post. Exactly what other options do they think I'm considering? Horse? Catapult? Helicopter drop? Santa?