Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You're actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.

   When talking with a woman in her 30s, it's super important to always pretend to be shocked when she tells you she's in her 30s.

   We all used Facebook out of curiosity and it ended as an addiction.

   As the dog sat watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought... "Just throw the d@mn thing."

   I hate it when I wake up from drinking and I have "I love c0ck" written on my forehead. Especially when I've been drinking at home alone.

   The best way to end an argument is to let your opponent scream out a statement and reply by throwing up your hands and saying, "That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you!" and then walking away.

   whoever decides when breakfast is over at McDonald's, F*CK YOU.

   now taking reservations for midnight kisses on Friday night. Sign up below.

   You know the times where you're laying on your back looking at your phone by lifting it in the air but lose your grip and hit yourself in the face?

   I sat down next to my wife and said, "You look so cute when you're concentrating." My wife said, "Will you f-ck off while I'm trying to take a sh*t."

   They should make Jack Daniels chap stick

   Lawsuit claims Taco Bell tacos only 35% real beef. I think I speak for all of us when I say wow that much?

   What if they read a list of everything you've ever typed into Google before entering Heaven...

   Realizes that the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

   100 calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off.

   For Valentine's day, my husband didn't go to Jared. He went to work. I think that the steady paycheck says "I love you" much better than a shiny rock could.

   cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding....I'm looking at Hustler and having a beer,

   Random Dude: "Sup bro you think you could piss in this cup in that bathroom for me I gotta pass this drug test. I'll pay you $60" Me: "...ya..." That dudes screwed

   Pandora tells me what music I like, Netflix tells me what movies I like.. Refrigerator: Why are you such a slacker?!"

   If you are one of those people on Facebook that does the little "Questions about people?" apps... Before you post one on my wall... Do me a BIG favor... Look in the mirror and hit yourself in the head with a hammer one time for me... Thanks!!! /:)