Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am.... 'My 1st car had an ashtray'... years old.

   The best thing about online classes is the beer.

   Break-ups aren't always meant for make-ups, sometimes they're meant for wake-ups.

   If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear.

   Nice try fat families with stick figure people on the back of their van

   GUY: give me 3 packs of condoms please. CASHIER: do you need a paper bag with that sir? Guy: nah she is not that ugly.

   WHO's GUILTY?Husband n Wife r sleeping. Wife dreamin at nite suddenly shouts "Quick my husband is back". Husband gets up & jumps out of d window!

   Shot my first turkey yesterday. . scared the $hit out of everyone in the frozen food section... It was awsome!!!

   I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

   Just saw two people together at a restaurant and neither of them were texting anyone. Weird.

   If youre cooler than me, doesnt that make me hotter than you?

   Someone stole all my Credit Cards but, I won't be Reporting it.....The Thief spends Less than my Wife did.

   thinks he might be addicted to Facebook because he's seeing a lot of random people around the city, that he's already seen on Facebook....

   The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.

   We should hang out and stare at our phones.

   I Saw a Vespa crash into a Toyota Prius today...... There was glitter everywhere.

   I must have an amazing butt because every time I finish talking to someone & turn around to walk away, I hear them whisper, "What an Ass!"

   As a woman, I will always feel judged when buying a cucumber.

   Just texted "I still love you" to about 50 random phone numbers.

   Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions....