Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to know anything, come over to my house...my wife apparently knows everything.

   If at the end of the day you have the same number of kids you started out with that morning, then you've done your job as a parent.

   Please be patient! Even a toilet can only handle one A$$hole at a time!!!

   Sometimes people suck the life out of me like there's a prize at the bottom.

   I don't have a problem with idiots… I have a problem with the fact they they have an internet connection.

   I have company coming, does a spork go on the right or left side?

   When you were a kid there was nothing more satisfying as when you made the honking signal to the truck driver and he honked back

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion.

   When I was kid they had a cure for ADHD... It was called a Good @ss Whoopin.

   Somehow,, We've got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.

   I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!

   The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.

   Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.

   Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.

   Glad to hear we've all been picked up for another season.

   I have been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions

   If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.

   How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

   According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

   When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say..