Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend needs to start putting her cell phone and keys right next to all the things I've done wrong that she will never forget.

   my oven doesn't need a self-cleaning mode; my *bathroom* needs a self-cleaning mode.

   Nothing makes me feel better about myself more than the stupidity of others.

   Egyptian Pres. Mubarak refuses to heed calls to step down. He seems to be in denial--which coincidentally is where his body will be found if he doesn't resign.

   That mini-heart attack when you miss one step at the stairs.

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the time I was the age I am now.

   Sarah Palin and Snookie both Having NY Times bestsellers makes me realize being literate is overrated

   It's not that I hate you it's just...ok, put it this way. if you were on fire and I had water. I would drink the water.

   against recycling, because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

   My road rage doubles in winter. Not only does everyone drive like they're 100 years old, but I get even more enraged when I flip someone off and realize I'm wearing mittens. Now I'm pissed and embarassed."

   Everyone's self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse

   Seems those who wear Princess, Sexy, and MILF on a T-shirt...usually are NOT.

   If you're gonna order a salad with ham, raisins, peanuts, croutons & extra ranch, just order a freaking sandwich.

   Beautiful people and ugly people basically look the same by 80. So hang in there ugly people!

   I miss being young and innocent. Now I'm old and guilty...

   I can rise or shine...take your pick.

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.

   Condom Ad: if you are not 100% satisfied with our product, Happy Father's Day!!

   Everybody get your flu shots now! Make sure all of your family and friends do too. Then I won't have to get one.

   I swear if this day gets any better, I'm gonna have to sit on my hands to keep from clapping!!!