Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I miss being the age when I thought I would have my sh!t together by the time I was the age I am now.

   Sarah Palin and Snookie both Having NY Times bestsellers makes me realize being literate is overrated

   It's not that I hate you it's just...ok, put it this way. if you were on fire and I had water. I would drink the water.

   against recycling, because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

   My road rage doubles in winter. Not only does everyone drive like they're 100 years old, but I get even more enraged when I flip someone off and realize I'm wearing mittens. Now I'm pissed and embarassed."

   Everyone's self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse

   Seems those who wear Princess, Sexy, and MILF on a T-shirt...usually are NOT.

   If you're gonna order a salad with ham, raisins, peanuts, croutons & extra ranch, just order a freaking sandwich.

   Beautiful people and ugly people basically look the same by 80. So hang in there ugly people!

   I miss being young and innocent. Now I'm old and guilty...

   I can rise or shine...take your pick.

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.

   When you're driving illegally, suddenly every car is an undercover cop.

   so far I've handed out 23 caramel covered onions on a stick to trick or treaters... life is fun

   You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That's God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.

   People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.

   Selecting a menu item at a Mexican restaurant is easy once you decide how many times you want your food folded.

   Occasionally I look up from my iPhone and have no idea where I'm at.

   The girl I'm dating has a kid who just started high school. She wanted ME of all people to have a talk with him about "the birds and the bees" We talked for about 4 hours, and I gotta tell ya, I learned A LOT.

   Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.