Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Goal number 1 for the new year: Get in a relationship. Goal number 2: Do not accomplish goal number 1 until after February 14th.

   I made some jello the other day, and kept thinking it tasted funny. Then I realized this was the first time in 10 years that I've had jello that doesn't taste like vodka.

   When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please dont ask me if I want a tour.

   I think sharks eat people just to get on tv.

   Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio

   microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes

   Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.

   Yes, cute waitress, I just took a bite big enough to choke an ox, now is the perfect time for you to ask me how everything is.

   wants a dirty picture of you so I can add it to my Xmas wishlist to send to Santa

   predicts Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year.

   wants to put handcuffs on, run into a hardware store in a panic and ask for a hacksaw

   WARNING if you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. its SPAM

   to AVOID any embarassing incidents...I've equipped my BEER GOGGLES with windshield wipers.

   My girl said today, "You shouldn't wear that shirt, it's a fall color." Woman, my clothes have two seasons - clean and dirty.

   I don't think tom even uses myspace anymore.

   The inventor of the "Bumpit" made millions selling that hair accessory to women. I'm going to invent the "F**kit" and market it to women for those bad hair days.

   riding the escalator the other day, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half..

   Ever parked on the wrong side of the gas station, then turn the car around to realize you are still on the wrong side? Me either...

   the debt collector called, I told them I have $17,859,362,498 in Mafia Wars I'm just having a hard time transferring the money to checking.

   There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.