Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is: ‘What is never the answer?

   Alright, Captain Morgan, I'll make you a deal....I'll stop drinking when you put your foot down.

   Penny for your thoughts... a dollar if you flash me.

   To all of you who keep calling me Fat, Just Piss off, Iv got Enough on my Plate..

   Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

   Schizophrenic...and So am I

   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

   I remember that one time, before Facebook, when I went outside and did stuff.

   When did "wear something green" turn into "dress like an idiot?"

   Marriage is like a late night phone call. You get a ring and then you wake up.

   A nice way to fire people is by throwing them a surprise going away party.

   Dilemma: do I the wash dishes, or attempt to eat cornflakes from a cup with a knife?

   Me: grandma, have you seen my pills? they were labelled LSD. Grandma: Fu*k the pills, have you seen the purple dragons in the kitchen..

   You know your getting old when you drop something on the floor and instead picking it right back up, you just stare at it for a minute or two...

   if you're the type of neighbor that likes to scream and yell till 3am, then I'll be the type of neighbor to mow at 6am!

   Dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.

   Just once when the trainer asks one of the background people in the workout video how he's doing, I want him to respond: "I'm exhausted - you're a fu*king lunatic"

   Women are completely defenseless..... Until the nail polish dries up.

   Since Facebook shows when you add new friends, it's only fair, and would be quite amusing, to show when you delete someone...and why.

   the me who wakes up in the morning has zero respect for the me who set the alarm the night before!