Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 338 of 6446

I'm pretty sure there's a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED.....
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05-03-2012 18:15 by pooh boy
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If I were a bathroom tile salesmen,my pitch would be:"Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics..."

Dear guy that invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.
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12-21-2011 21:08 by fadolo
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Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. Maybe next time..

Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.

Math Problem: If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?
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03-21-2012 20:15 by snotty
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So sad that out of 200 countries in this world,, America ranks 35th in the world in math... But at least that keeps us still in the top 10%
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06-12-2012 09:05 by snotty
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Don't expect a bless you on the 5th sneeze, get that sh*t under conrtol
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07-06-2012 22:11
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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...

If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your relationship status to 'single' and wait 5 minutes.

My Wife says I'm too Immature, and if I don't Grow Up it's going to erect a barrier between us .....Hee Hee Hee....Erect
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10-20-2009 12:56 by Vitamin N
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Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?(A} Almost Boobs {B} Barely there {C} Can't Complain! (D) Dang! (DD) Double Dang! (F) Fake. (G) Get a Reduction. (H)Help me, I've fallen and I can't g
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04-21-2010 09:43 by Mdu
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If you were stranded on a deserted island with only a solar powered cd player, and a bieber cd........ how would you kill yourself?
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02-16-2011 11:54 by M.A.C.
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Walmart Owner: "Ok, So here's the plan.We'll put 25-30 registers in each store. Then, we'll only put cashiers at 3 of them.It can't fail!"

A positive to being overweight: you fill the bathtub up real quick, and save money on your water bill.
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06-27-2011 11:06 by CJ
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if you're just gonna quit going to the gym in a couple weeks then please don't pack the gyms now. thanks!

People who investigate strange noises in horror movies deserve to die.
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10-29-2010 15:06
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Next time you feel a sneeze coming on, yell out "PIKA!" right before the sneeze
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12-27-2010 19:31
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I'm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come over
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02-01-2012 15:38
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Me and my recliner...we go way back.
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01-29-2012 11:52 by Mickey
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