Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

   Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark. Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

   I was conceived at a Pink Floyd concert, and while I’ve gone on with my life, my parents are still there waiting for them to finish playing Dark Side of the Moon.

   If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

   Anyone know any jokes I could tell without losing 10 Facebook friends?

   2022 is going to be my year, I can just feel it!

   Happy 2021 New Year to all of you who will be staying home in your pajamas eating snacks on New Year's Eve, just like any other year.

   I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

   If you drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball you can predict the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did that, said "Oh I'm gonna die" and then did.

   My wife is a wild animal in bed. And by that I mean she's more afraid of me than I am of her.

   I almost just choked on a kale chip and all I could think was that this never happens with Cinnabons.

   The lawsuit against Starbucks for underfilling coffee drinks is the new definition of first world problems.

   Life from the 1800's, my whole family died of diarrhea last night.

   Right now the most stable currency in the UK is the Cadbury Creme Egg.

   Let me sum up the next few months: 1) Trump says and/or does something stupid. 2) Taylor Swift breaks up. 3) Enjoy your summer!

   OK, You're telling me you're not a slut ..... So ... Does that mean you are some kind of volunteer prostitute or something?

   I thought that Pokemon Go was a facebook app that encourages Jamaicans to use the Poke feature.

   Donald Trump formally announces Mike Pence as is VP pick. No word yet on if he plans on leaving him for a younger, prettier running mate.

   It’s easier to come out of the closet than it is to say you like Trump.

   BREAKING NEWS: Medical researchers have found that 100 percent of lab rats exposed to oxygen have eventually died.