Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   500 years ago when men went to war it was common for them to force their wives to wear chastity belts while they were away.Therfore only a locksmith could remove these chastity belts. This explains why 'Smith' is the most common name in the phonebook...

   A horse told me not to drive home last night.I think there was a cop on top of it.

   Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the begining all you need is a diamond and a heart, by the end you wish you had a F'n club and a spade

   You know when you need a vacation when you start pretending the shower head is a waterfall!! ; /

   At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, "Make it 52"

   + + + R.I.P Claude Choules.....the world's LAST surviving veteran of WWI, who died peacefully at his hostel home in Salter Point, Western Australia, at the mighty age of 110. I salute you, Sir. May you have the long, dignified sleep you deserve. + + +

   I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.

   Why are porn DVDs 8 hours long? I was done before the opening credits.

   Why do leprechauns laugh when they run...? cuz the grass tickles their nuts..

   This Jack Daniels tastes a little bit like I'm not going to work tomorrow.

   If you are really "friends" with that many people on facebook, why are you alone standing in front of a mirror taking a picture of yourself? Cant you get one of your 867 friends to take it?

   When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.

   If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm great in bed.

   ‎3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

   if you tickle my feet I am not responsible for what happens to your face....

   So I woke up today, hungover as hell, to an unexpected pizza delivery. Last night, in a completely black out drunken stupor, I pre-ordered pizza online to be delivered at noon. I. . Rule.

   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they ate all my oreos and were always peeing on my toilet seat.

   Life was much simpler when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.

   If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red velvet suit, if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh, with 9 tiny reindeer pulling him along, then you have to face it your eggnog's too strong