Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dont forget to remind your exes to look at the solar eclipse today!

   Most wives don't mind if their husband brings some work home with them to do. But my sister sure does. Her husband is a mortician.

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner and facial recognition software. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people at the NSA are dancing like little school girls right

   Does anyone know the name of that Jennifer Aniston movie? You know. The one where she plays a quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   Y'all. I thought we were all streaking as an homage to Hugh Hefner. Anyway, I'm gonna need bail money. Again.

   Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

   When it's late and I can't sleep,,, I curl up with a good book and bang it on my head until I'm unconscious.

   can we all agree if you're old enough to get a job and buy candy, you can't trick or treat anymore?

   Even my imaginary guitar gently weeps at the sight of the last drop of wine.

   Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."

   33,000 people attended Hillary clintons rally/ concert yesterday. I wonder if they received the tickets via email..

   Wonder how many FB friends I will be getting back now that the election is over?

   whelp, let me carry my deplorable ars to bed. . .

   Defense attorney: "They were on their way to choir practice".

   If my "check Fuel" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it

   Marriage Is Like A Deck of cards, In the beginning all you need is a Two Hearts and a Diamond, As it Progresses You Wish You Had A Club and A Spade

   Wonder if Unemployment will be sending me a Christmas bonus this year.

   Santa is really going to enjoy the cookies he gets from Alaska, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Nevada, Oregon and Washington this year.

   they are making new a fast and furious and a new transformers movie. any hope I had for 2017 being a good year has fast evaporated

   So, Mick Jagger is a new father at the age of 73. I guess time really is on his side.