Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

   I like a guy who can grow his own winter coat. -Me hitting on Bigfoot

   I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

   Alcohol and denial are cheaper than therapy. . .

   My birthstone is just a frozen pizza.

   Did you really play Monopoly if no one flipped the board?

   You had me at let's get something to eat..

   Decided my 2016 starts on February 6th....up to now was the trial offer.

   My romantic life is like a Ferrari....I don't have a Ferrari.

   Public media: "A place where you discover that people you once respected" don't have character.

   Not to brag, but I pull the correct ceiling fan chain about 2% of the time.

   Did you know chicken pot pie is my favorite 3 things?

   I am sorry that I have not matured past the point of making everything into sexual innuendo. ...It's just really hard.

   If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again.

   Friendship is so weird, you just pick a human you've met and you're like "Yep I like this one" and you just do stuff with them.

   Never trust people who talk to their pets in normal voices.

   The amount of memes that relate to my life is becoming increasingly embarrassing.

   Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my cat's paw and she pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

   I can't wait till St.Patricks Day....!!! The one day a year I can eat lucky charms dowsed in green beer for breakfast and my wife can't say crap.....

   Anything can be toilet paper if you're brave enough