Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That does it!!!! .... Melania and Michelle are going to have to settle this like real women ...... Time for a winner takes all mud wrestling contest!!! Heck ... I'd pay to see that .... Donald .... You listening?

   Gang Initiation: Eat tortilla chips when you have a cut on the roof of your mouth.

   At this point an all nighter simply means I didn't need to get up to pee in the middle of the night.

   I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish........ *and yes,, I was around alot of people smoking pot today so....

   So last night I'm sitting on the toilet straining and pushing as hard as I can when I hear a "pop" and the lights go out. My wife says to me "Are you ok? I think the power went out..." I respond with "Thank God for that, I thought my eyes had exploded.

   There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

   My Indian name is 'Dances with Panda Express'.

   *Bites into a grilled cheese sandwich*... *cuts tongue*... Wtf,, this IS sharp cheddar

   The only thing worse than Penn State honoring Joe Paterno before the Temple game would be if Temple honored Bill Cosby.

   When I see a framed first dollar earned hanging in a business I wonder how many stripper's butt cracks it was in before that.

   Ann Coulter called "c*nt" 19 times during the 2 hour Comedy Central roast. Less than she's used to over a 2 hour period, but still a lot.

   Liver: Is today your birthday? Me: No. I'm watching the Presidential Debate. Liver: Oh Ok, that makes sense. Please continue!!!

   My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

   I'm old enough to remember using the ash tray in cars for cigarette butts ..

   If Scott Baio doesn't scream out BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YOU SAY BAIO BAIOOO during sex then clearly he's not in charge of anything.

   My kids must be so confused about what an adult is.

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you" so I said "because my tweets are funny" We laughed and high-fived & now I'm in Jail

   PLease don't talk to me about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel all week and haven't had time to watch it yet.

   I keep failing this captcha test and now I think I may be a robot

   Amazing fact #362: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the NHL first started requiring helmets in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.