Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

   Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?

   I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it...

   Dear Mr underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...

   learned a lot about relationships from Super Mario Bros.....sometimes, You have to pound a few Dragons to get to the Princess

   I got a mosquito bite last night... Bet that little guy is pretty hungover today.

   If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember... you can always change your birthday on Facebook

   When I have children I'm going to make them watch the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that

   Lazy Rule #19401957294710149: you're so lazy you didn't even finish reading the number.

   It's funny how fast you can wake up when you realize you've overslept.

   Never say "maybe" to a kid. All they hear is "I swear on my life that this will definitely happen."

   So I met this prostitute who said she'd do anything for $10. Guess who got his car washed?

   There is nothing worse than a broke ass high maintenance woman.

   If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic

   My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That's not my waiter

   whomever invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a vulcan death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!"

   if you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   Man...that is the last time I wash down an Ambien with Nyquil. According to the angry voicemail from my neighbors they were not happy about me dancing naked on my roof singing the ghostbusters theme song in Spanish. I don't even speak Spanish.