Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The quicker sniffer upper ~ Hunter Biden (learned it from his dad)

   Next person who says "it's not the heat, it's the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.

   My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow.

   I'm surprised by the violence in Syria. I really thought the World Peace sign at the end of Madonna's halftime show would work.

   I got a box of Animal Crackers the other day, and the box said, WARNING "Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken". I open the box, and sure enough...

   Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward

   I guess Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating now, and apparently it's getting serious. Friends say Kanye is the guy Kim wants to spend the rest of her month with

   Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that's what's been missing.

   People think i'm shy because I don't talk or participate much in conversations. The truth is I don't really give a f*ck what they're talking about.

   Due to the failing economy, trick or treaters will be ID this year. I will be giving out candy to the ages of 6 to 9 years of age. Parents with infants, we know the child can't eat candy due to the lack of teeth. Get your own damn candy thanks.

   When I was at school I belonged to a gang called The Secret Seven and we were sworn to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other six were.

   I hate it when you are driving on the freeway and someone cuts in front of you so you flip them off, only to have them put their hand up in a gesture of "thanks".

   can't seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.

   As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

   n't it amazing how the sound of one persons voice can ruin your whole day at work.

   Winning the game using deflated balls? Is this the NFL or the Tour De France?

   Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not; they're looking at their phone.

   Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

   I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures