Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   always keep your words soft and sweet... just in case you have to eat them..

   Yes, I realize I'm leaving early. But don't forget, I also came in late.

   what's the point in knocking when you can just text someone that you're outside their house.

   When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.

   OK, I'm not sure what button I hit on Facebook's privacy settings, but I just found Mark Zuckerberg in my home going through my photo albums

   Thanks everyone for posting photos of the fresh snow. No, really I haven't seen nearly enough in person even though I was shoveling at 5am this morning.

   While Facebooking, cars in front of you may be closer than expected.

   If you ever need to know who your real friends are just tell them you need help moving and see who shows up

   I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.

   Jordanian pilot Moaz al-Kasasbeh showed no fear on the face of death, not like them face covering isis pussies.

   Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends

   My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.

   ■The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing

   "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P

   my daughter saw a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!" I took a deep breath, then asked "What did you call it?" "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does, "A f r I c a n Elephant"

   Now that you really think about it, you've never seen me and Batman in the same room have you?