Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't worry about the problems in North Korea. We've sent the B-52's over. They'll surrender once they've listened to Love Shack a few times.

   I don't mind helping people as long as I'm not slightly inconvenienced.

   When a man says he'll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!!!

   The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin: We send Justin Bieber to Russia!

   Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

   Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday

   Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.

   Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil??

   Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.

   Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones

   I've been avoiding exercise for a long time now. You might say I'm in the Fitness Protection Program.

   If you drive a Tesla and it gets stolen, is it now an Edison?

   I took a knee today. My shoe was untied. It wasn't a statement. Just wanted to let everyone to know.

   Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.

   Forget dancing like no one is watching. Dance like a toddler. They don't even care if there's music....

   Diet Journal, May 10th: Ate 3 saltines like a wolf pack taking down a caribou.

   If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family.

   is upset that facebook won't let him start a relationship with himself

   Just a Christmas reminder. Buy your kids a big pack of batteries and attach a card that says "Toys not Included".

   Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!