Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people wake up and feel like a million bucks. Me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   my great great grandfather: I cleared 40 acres by hand and grew food to feed people. My father: I fought WWII and ended the horror. Me: I think $9.99/month might be too much for Spotify.

   Justin Bieber getting tats is like putting racing stripes on a moped.

   Question for the 84 year old widow who just won the Mega Millions jackpot: Sup, girl?

   I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.

   30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he's adopted.

   Today my yoga teacher was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.

   I think my dog needs training school because he rudely yawned in the middle of my stories.

   I'm still young at heart. The problem is, the rest of me is old.

   Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic's, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.

   I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.

   The last scene in Titanic with Jack and Rose wasted so many opportunities for a good knock-knock joke

   Most of my life goals don’t even include me in them.

   My wife is a teacher. If they issue her a gun I will be dead by Thursday.

   Anything is possible when you have no clue what you're talking about

   I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

   There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.

   This lifelong football fan now has an extra 3 hours to do projects and other tasks like shopping on Sundays from now on.

   When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram

   Facebook is mostly poIitics, pet lovers and dysfunctional insecure model wannabes.