Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boss wants to send me for training in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.

   A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.

   Somebody needs to start a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.

   If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store?

   Young people will wait longer in a self-scan isle at the grocery store so they don’t have to deal with humans, but old people will wait longer in a regular lane so they don’t have to deal with computers.

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, all you've lost is a regular pigeon.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.

   Why do baby clothes have pockets ?

   my new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe

   It's just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms

   Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.

   If you buy weight loss products at GNC the only thing you'll lose is your money...

   I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool

   If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.

   If you receive a text/forward that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend while forwarding it, thanks

   If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you

   "It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club

   Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.