Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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thinks I've found the cure for stupidity... a shock collar. And if it doesn't cure them, at least you got a good laugh watching them twitch." 
Why does everyone say my name like it means “Shut Up”?
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
Hiring someone attractive does necessarily not mean they will be a productive employee...unless this person is a prostitute.
There's a fine line between hyphenated words.
HDTV: where the channels are still crap..but a much clearer and colorful crap.
accepted the People's Choice award for best portrayal of a status update
I just harvested my crops, killed a Mafia Don, fed my fish and deleted my Facebook account
Hoarders is on tonite. I like that show because it makes me feel like I'm tidy
went to a massage parlor today and asked for a happy ending, the lady looked at me and said "The Princess kissed the Frog, and turned in to a prince and they lived hapily every after" that will be a 100 bucks thank you,
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
How do I know that Facebook is a woman? Well a man would never ask "Whats on your mind?" Would he?
I'm in one of those moods that only a virgin sacrifice will appease.
: I've decided that when I get to superstar status, I will not have a security guard. I will have a ninja.
Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? To find a tight seal.
can anyone tell me where that McDonald's is?.. ya know, the one in that commercial where you can drive thru 4 times in a row with your baby while no one else waiting in line.. AND get a free egg McMuffin and coffee?
Don't slap my ass then apologize.
Can't wait for the new episode of Hoarders...now all I gotta do is find my television.
Son, when I was your age, our video game controllers were hard wired to the console. And Mario had to walk uphill both ways to the castle.
1.Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend. 