Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Alcohol... Will you be my valentine? ♥

   Whenever I see a fat white girl smoking a Newport I know a mulatto baby is on the way.

   Tip 4 Ladies: Please stop asking us questions like, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" Because the answer will be NO. It's NOT the jeans making you look fat. It's all the meat UNDER the jeans that's making you look fat

   I used to love hungary-hungary hippo..... what other game lets you slap somthing on the butt to open it's mouth and swallow balls?

   A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, ‘You  have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.'   The drunk replies,  ‘Boobs.' 

   My wife's an adult film actress....She's going to be furious when she finds out!

   I hate when I sing a song and the artist gets it wrong

   Shouldn't all the parking spots at Walmart be handicapped?

   People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   Why the f*ck does toothpaste fall so easily off your tooth-brush, but the second it hits the sink it turns into some apoxy resin type bullsh!t and you can't wash it down the drain to save your life?! Grr.

   Im just going to assume that food stamps come with an Iphone, new airmaxes, and rims for the cadillac they give you.

   Mexican word of the day: Pizza Sheet. Joe Biden is a pizza sheet.

   Please don't take anything I say personal or too seriously. I'm just an idiot with internet access.

   Lady Gaga looks likes she's been covered in glue and she's just collected crap as she walks past stuff

   A little boy who had diarhea said to his mom, "I need viagra" she said for what? He said "Well isn't that what you give dad to make his sh*t hard?"

   thinks it's funny how a self - examination for testicular cancer easily turns in to masturbation

   is single...but you're welcome to change that as long as your female and emotionally stable without the use of medication.

   Show me on this Fat Albert doll exactly where Bill Cosby touched you

   people ask me why I don't have any tattoos I tell em " would you put a bumper sticker on your ferrari?

   The only candy I'm interested in tonight swings from a pole and has daddy issues