Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should make supermarket camouflage so people you know won't see you and want to talk to you.

   Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham!

   All my updates will be posted in CAPITALS from now on. I posted this one in Atlanta.

   I stand by the unlikely threat I made when I thought you couldn’t hear me.

   A sure sign you need coffee is to wake up put water in the coffee maker and end up with a nice hot pot of water.

   Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon...

   Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

   Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance. Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

   Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.

   Looking for a DJ for my dog and cat's upcoming wedding. No weirdos.

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct

   mistletoe is the gateway drug to pregnancy

   I think I might have spent a quarter of my life just staring into the refrigerator.

   The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.

   I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

   I can’t wait for next week when the gym is empty again.

   Pancakes: Because NO, you cannot have cake for breakfast, but you can have fried cake for breakfast.

   "The Bachelor" should be renamed with a more accurate title: "Desperate, Dysfunctional Closet Cases Fighting Over A Player."

   The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.