Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's beginning to feel a lot like, I'm gonna start wishing it was summer.

   My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

   A man and woman in Idaho became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup too...... She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

   Last night My wife and I had words but I never got to use mine.

   How can folks find time to protest and work a job too? Oh yeah, Welfare.

   The Mets are moving the fences in to increase home runs they hit. Call me old fashioned but isn't that what steroids are for?"

   Every day around midnight, I'm shocked to find out it's only 6pm

   If you think your job is pointless, remember: There are people in Germany installing turn signals on BMWs.

   Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months. there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

   i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

   One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

   When people got too hammered in the 70s: “He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

   I think I turned back my clock way too far, yesterday I saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .

   California Girls but when you're being microwaved

   The kids keep laughing about my memory. they won't be laughing to long when there's no eggs under the tree.

   Every time there's a massive Powerball jackpot I'm a winner, by not playing and saving $2.

   So musk owns twitter. Does that mean a Tesla will tweet where you parked?

   I swear I can feel my brain buffering.

   How am I supposed to explain Daylight Savings Time to my neighbors dog?

   Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.