Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you dont think everyday is a good day, just try missing one!

   i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers I use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today

   I should really stop confusing sign language for kung-fu.

   Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain

   what's worse than the dog chewing your shoe? The killer whale eating your trainer!!!

   It's terrible how many cable channels are filled with nudity. And how few of those channels come with basic service

   If you notice this notice,you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing

   isn't it funny that when your internet goes down, your computer becomes completely uninteresting anymore? ........and you actually wanna go out and have a life?

   Note to self: Stop writing yourself notes. Love, X

   | That whale grabbed the trainer by the ponytail and took her under. That is why that advice to, "remember when working with seafood, to always wear a hair net" is so important.

   heard some folks trying to change the name of Killer Whale to something less threatening. Sea World, Killer Whale was quoted as saying, "I'm back baby!"

   So a whale killed it's trainer? Sounds like... an orca-strated murder.

   doesn't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

   I think my OCD is getting worse. Did I hit post? Wait a minute, did I even type it yet? I'm pretty sure I hit post but am not sure. Yeah, I did. Well, maybe I didn't. I better double-check. Yeah, I did. No, I didn't. Dang!!! What was I going to post again

   people.with over attitude mid- finger salute..!!:D

   W.O.M.E.N.: Waiting On Man's Every Need.

   not waiting another minute for the lab results... the Valentine cookies from my ex-wife look good and I am feeling lucky.

   Acute Gout Attack!! - The Vegetarian's Revenge!

   Dilemma: Do I wash all my dishes or should I eat my cornflakes in a cup with a knife?

   "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." - Chuck Nevitt