Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The fact that I can buy a song while on the toilet using my phone means no one is really working on cancer, are they?

   If I was a pirate, instead of having a stupid hook for one hand, I'd upgrade to some cooler attachments, like a blender, maybe a small cannon, some hedge trimmers etc.

   Tito must be taking relationship lessons from Van Damme

   The world`s thinnest book entitled `What Woman Want has only one word written in it,""Everything"!

   thinks Captain Planet and the Planeteers need to go save the Gulf of Mexico.

   You know what's horrible? Accidentally seen your parents "doing it". I will NEVER go to THAT website again!

   33% of married women say their pet is a better listener than their husbands... 67% of pets say this crazy lady won't shut the hell up...

   I'm scouring the periodic table for the element of surprise. I'm more anxious than the AZ Governor in a Cinco de Mayo parade.

   histogram - n. 1. A greeting card from ones gynocologist. 2. A cracker for a teacher of history.

   if at first you don't succeed, won't hurt to smoke some weed

   contemplating the mysteries of universe, like the meaning of life, the workings of time, and whether of not Wang Chung was demanding or requesting that "Everybody Wang Chung tonight." The world may never know.

   I'm so exhausted from my French self-defense course. I've never had to run so far in all my life!

   ``I'd rather turn this club into a bar room brawl. Get as rowdy as Roethlisberger in a bathroom stall.''

   ''excuse me miss but I have a magical watch and its telling me you arent wearing any pants''.....''well actually I am!!''........''oh, well it must be an hour fast''

   When I ordered my extra value meal today, the waitress put a leaflet called 'Healthy Eating At McDonald's' into the bag with my food.......That's just what I always wanted, a quarter pounder with lies

   a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school's pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water..... Is that wrong?

   Dont overstay in bed unless you re making money in it

   I am writing a 360 page book...I'm making progress...I already have all the page numbers done

   Drink more beer, give a fat girl a chance...

   Alcohol doesn't solve your problems…Neither does milk.