Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While I like the idiom "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar", it remains the unvarnished truth that sh!t attracts more flies than anything.

   If a baseball is hit out of the stadium, travels completely around the world, re-enters the stadium, and is caught by a fielder, is it a home run or an out?

   earns a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

   On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

   Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.

   Would you rather be a ginormous hampster or a tiny rhinocerous?

   me and procrastinating have this love hate relationship going on.... but I'll do it later...

   Mondays! Pro: Start of a fresh new week! Con: It's still Monday!

   your girls teeth are so yellow when she closes her mouth her belly glows.

   There is a great need for sarcasm font

   I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

   Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

   dear lord: please give us back tupac & we'll give you justin beiber in return.

   If he were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.

   I can't stand people who look down on people who look down on people.

   making some changes to her life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. If I don't return your message you were one of the changes!

   (This Status Message Was Left Blank Due To The Down Right Rudeness and Frankness Of The Subject Matter Not Suitable For Facebook or Other PG Rated Social Networking Sites. Thank You Facebook Admin.)

   Yo mama is so fat, when she walked outside in a red dress, everybody started dancing and shouted "KOOOOOOOL-AID!"

   people get hurt when others don't have the nerve to say what they truly feel

   "never on schedule, but always on time."