Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The squirrels are mocking me by doing that spiral-run-up-a-tree thing. They know I wish I could do that and how stupid I look when I try.

   Suffering from male pattern drunkenness.

   I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"

   You know it's a bad traffic jam when people start are sitting on top of their cars..

   I am under: paid, pressure, followed, rated, the gun, the radar, the influence, the weather and the wrong impression. WTF

   So what's the dating website for drunk, blonde, recent college graduates who do not want to find a job called?

   The Revolutionary War went on for like 8 years, yet we settle for a 3 day weekend? The founders would be so disappointed.

   Hearses are so depressing. I'd like my casket transported via segway.

   America: We blow sh*t up better than the rest of yous funny-talkin' countries.

   Nobody gets treated worse than a fast food worker who gets an order wrong.

   No I wasn't born in a barn, but you know who was? Jesus.

   I have mosquito bites on my feet and I'm thinking the knee is probably the easiest point of amputation.

   Ugly is such an ugly word. If you must describe me I'd prefer if you used the term "handsomely-challenged

   “You can't stop loving or wanting to love because when its right, it's the best thing in the world. When you're in a relationship and it's good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete.”

   it's hotter than two mice f*cking in a wool sock!

   I wonder if I could just pay a psychiatrist to follow me on Facebook. I'd be able to skip the therapy sessions, and the doc could just send me the appropriate pills based on my status updates.

   A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

   If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

   How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

   just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.