Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   "You shouldn't compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think."

   Experts took a poll asking what part of the women do men notice first. The results stated 73% of men said women's eyes. Yea right, that's why we have a large food chain called "Pupils"

   I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it......a bed.

   procrastination is when people say goodnight to facebook.

   This just in...Steinbrenner tells Jesus he has 3 days to cut his hair and shave his beard or he will be benched

   A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance.

   Lying about my age is easier now that I sometimes forget what it is.

   my friend told me he just got a new walk-in shower so I had to ask, how the hell did you get in it before?

   Had two beers after work with friends, and when I say two I mean pitchers and when I say friends I mean a$$holes I work with.

   Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

   Takes 6 days to come and then stays for just 1 day - Damn Saturday!

   Beauty is common... significance is rare

   George Steinbrenner to be buried in Florida ... his family wants him as far from baseball as possible!

   that the only reason your EX-bf wants to have you have back is EX w/ an "S" at the beginning.

   my new excuse for leaving the bar early on a Saturday NIght: "I gotta Preach tomorrow."

   Do you think the Man in the Yellow Hat mentions George on his Internet dating profile?"

   Which came first, the chicken or the egg? This problem has finally been solved thanks to British scientists. In a related story, German scientist are researching how much wood could a wood chuck chuck.

   All the Animals are on board and accounted for, Noah, but I've got bad news. The unicorns are gay."