Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   nearly 500 million eggs recalled, I'd hate to be the guy who has to put them back in the chickens.

   When I ride alone with a random guy in an elevator I'll wait a sec then ask "two man killing spree?"

   "Absolutely, sir. And what kind of pig would you like to hear?" (Real American, if he was in Deliverance)

   When you allow a Hypocrite to stand between you and God, guess who is closer to God...

   Can we pretend the air-NO

   when I smash a bug on the wall or ceiling I like to keep it there as a warning to the others..

   I still stop conversations to join in for that "Hey! Must be the money!" part of the song.

   The only thing worse than awkward silence, is when that silence is broken by an awkward "Soooo anyways."

   Stop looking at your phone. No one texted you.

   I need a redbull & a nap..

   Women spend 2% of their lives trying to figure out where bruises on their legs came from

   Its so hot outside right now that I'm getting hot flashes... and I'm a man!

   watching reruns of the Biggest Loser and eating a bag of Oreos.

   I always feel like a domestic God after watching Hoarders.

   Thinks it is pathetic that I walk into a restaurant and half the couples are not even talking to each other but texting on their smart phones. Crap, brb, my wife is bugging me about something....

   sad no one wished her a happy birthday today, which isn't too surprising since its not her birthday

   thinking of adding you to his to-do list.

   got a job...single mother and can't even get help from the government because I make $100 too much...might as well be on welfare!

   My friend, Eddie, spends several hours a day lubricating an old bench clamp... It's one of his many vices.

   "always on your mind" and if I wasn't before I am now.