Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

   50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

   You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.

   interviewer: what was your last job me: health angel interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

   if you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock thats humerus no, I’m not sorry

   I don't care what you call me as long as it's not on my phone.

   (First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

   STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! We will we will drink you STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! *pours vodka after bad day*

   dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time

   Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair* “It says here you ran a marathon?” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

   The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

   The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

   When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

   A horror story: You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings. That’s it that’s the whole story.

   If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

   I love how flat-earthers believes the other planets around us are round.

   Dear Jack Daniels: I'm holding one of those workouts like Kap where I drink a lot to become a spokesman. TIA.

   When they heard about his visit to the hospital, hell immediately started to construct a wall.

   Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson are going to merge and become one company. Their new name will be "Titty Titty Bang Bang."