Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

   While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.

   Cop: Are you drunk? Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this? *stands on one foot* Cop: ok first of all, ow

   Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake? Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

   I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

   I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

   Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

   Please donate 30$ to my child's school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

   Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.

   Have happy merry impeachment and if you didn't hear trump's impeachment time is here.

   My New Year's resolution is to hang out with more than two of my Facebook friends.

   Where's the civil war you morons promised? I'm waiting...

   new drinking game...every time a member of congress coughs, take a drink

   If your grandma got run over by a reindeer, you may be entitled to compensation...Cal 1800 HURT HAHA!

   I started out this year with a goal of losing 30 pounds and I only missed it by 35 pounds

   Fyi: Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back.

   Whenever I’m pissed off at my wife I turn all of the shampoo bottles right side up in the shower.

   If you have the facts on your side, pound the facts. If you have the law on your side, pound the law. If you have neither on your side, pound the table.

   When I was a kid, we had to do emojis with our face.

   1987 was a great year for the payphone.