Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.

   This girl I know said she has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207

   Actually, we're crying about Home Alone 2 period.

   Dear you people. Why are you crying about the Home Alone 2 cut which was done in 2014???? Are you people really proud of being stupid?

   I got one of those Instant Pot gadgets for Christmas. What a load of BS. 3 days now and it hasn't produced any weed whatsoever. Instant Pot my eye.

   The guy below doesn't seem to get that everyone knows he posts nonsense.

   Remember at the stroke of midnight new years eve to lift your left leg, so you'll start the new year on the right foot.

   For Sale: Slightly used Christmas tree. Cheap. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.

   My New Year's resolution is to delete my account and open facebook recovery centers across the nation.

   Went to the fifth largest city in France for vacation. It was Nice.

   My New Year's resolution is to not make any New Year's resolutions.

   My new years weight loss plan is eating pasta and then antipasta.

   excuses are like farts.... anyone can make them but nobody likes them

   Jerk chicken is like regular chicken except he goes around with a backwards baseball cap and calls everyone "chief."

   What am I supposed to do with all this coal?

   I got jumper cables for Christmas because I like to start crap...

   I can't believe we still have 364 days till Christmas and people already have their lights up.

   The Day After Christmas Menu: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna. Lunch: Leftover lasagna. Dinner: Leftover lasagna. Dessert: Leftover lasagna. Beverage: Lasagna shake.

   Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”

   Everybody’s saying Merry Christmas to their friends and family, so here’s a Merry Christmas to all the strangers and enemies no one ever says Merry Christmas to!