Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   About to pull these steaks off the grill. It's my neighbor's grill, but he went inside and I don't think he can see me...

   I wonder why nobody from the retirement community attended my lecture on "Youth in Asia"?

   Why do football players wait until the last 5 minutes of the 4th quarter to play with any real intensity?

   So is Tom Brady related to Marcia, Greg & Cindy ?

   Who will protect the good folks of Sussex now that their Prince ditched them??

   Thanks a lot Martin Luther my new LED toenail clippers won't be delivered tomorrow...

   I don't accept friend requests from people with no photos, a photo of someone playing a guitar, or photos that have more filters than Brita.

   You know you're in a blue state when a no kill animal shelter is on the same block as the abortion clinic.

   What happens when 2 Egyptians pass gas at the same time? They have a toot in common.

   Took some ex-lax cookies to work for Valentines. With friends like me, who needs enemas?

   Your dating profile said you were a night owl........eat this mouse.

   93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

   Keys just don't make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

   [reviewing security cam footage to see what's eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it's me

   I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.

   Anytime a frozen meal tells me to "cut holes in film to vent" I pretend like I'm Norman Bates with a knife, complete with sound effects

   I'm in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.

   It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

   a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

   "Hello, my name's Drew and I'm an addict" "Sir, this is a cheese counter"