Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any man that believes women are "the weaker sex," has never tried to reclaim his half of the blankets on a cold winter's night...

   Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. Once it’s on you, it’s there forever.

   If you really think about it, "F**k You" is a compliment.

   Experts at this week's world economic forum that said in the future, cell phones will likely be tiny computer chips implanted in our brains. Great, now I have to worry about leaving my brain in the couch.

   Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing.

   At the zoo or on an African safari, they always pick the First Round Giraffe Choice.

   Scrabble would be more fun if it were full contact, like hockey. But then someone might lose an "I".

   I don't knead your dough, but my bread machine does.

   If I’m looking for discount clock parts, should I go to a second hand store?

   My wife was in hospital for a mastectomy, I told her to keep me abreast

   Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

   My wife and I first met at a Boston concert. I knew she was the one cause it was more than a feeling.

   I think I’ve finally perfected the art of silent criticism, though you wouldn’t know it

   Tip:Don't buy a belt at the zoo, it's just a snake trying to escape.

   I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me.

   So studies now show pot isn't as good for you as people thought. You can drop dead from smoking a Joint. Hell of a way to meet Bob Marley.

   I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn't allowed to hit me.

   You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

   wife: it looks too tight me: it's fine, let's just go [ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

   According to Pinterest, I'm severely under-utilizing mason jars.