Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to think that when you die, you get to see your stats and high scores like at the end of a video game.

   I struggle every time someone says "I want the truth" not to tell them "you can't handle the truth!"

   Dear Winter, I am breaking up with you. It's not me, It's you, you make me miserable. I think it's time I start seeing other seasons. you wouldn't by chance have the phone number of your hot cousin Summer?

   To all the people that send those annoying Christmas chain text messages I HOPE YOU GET COAL THIS YEAR UNDER YOUR TREE!!!

   Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her.

   Using a stapler and duct tape sure makes wrapping presents easy....

   BREAKING NEWS: Rudolph commits suicide after Santa upgrades to GPS

   I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

   doesn't think drinking will solve your problems... but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   Some relatives are like seeing Santa; you only care to see them once a year.

   If one more person says "all I want for christmas is you" they are gonna get me... with a baseball bat

   when you get pulled over for a D.U.I quickly pull off the lable off of the beer and stick it on ur forehead and tell the officer you havn't been drinking ur on the patch!"

   Dear Santa, when your done writing the naughty list, can I get my lil black book back? Cheers Guv

   Does not set out to shock or offend anyone, but also does not do anything to prevent it.

   When your ex says: "You'll never find someone like me" you are supposed to turn around and say: "God I sure hope not!!"

   I heard the weatherman say to watch out for "black Ice"...I think that terminology is terribly offensive...should be "Ice that you cannot see, ice" or "Watermelon ice"...

   Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" OBVIOUSLY, I thought I was going to get AWAY with it!

   Trying to find a website with all the WikiLeaks information just in case they also have Santa's naughty list!

   Thinks given the choice between Parkinson's and Alzheimer's, I would prefer Parkinson's. I would rather spill a little beer rather than forget where I put it.

   So, Terrelle Pryor gets suspended, but Cam Newton gets a Heisman? Oh, ok, that's fair