Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life's short, don't scroll it away!

   Most nights at 2am I think of where I will be in ten, fifteen, twenty years. Other nights at 2am I wonder if I'll even make it that far.

   "If playing golf is exercise, then why aren't there driving ranges in health clubs?

   I have electile dysfunction. I’m not aroused by any of the candidates

   Back in 11th grade, a guy bugged me about his getting 10 times more girls than I got. I didn't care since 10x0 was still 0.

   When I'm not at home and my wife is giving me the silent treatment, she'll send me blank tex messages.

   Why do wives think giving their husband the silent treatment is a punishment.

   I appreciate Facebook music invite but I don't think I'm going to be able to make it out tomorrow night to hear your band playing 1000 miles away.

   All these people running around with masks on.... Made in China

   If you're over 18 but under 21 and are arrested for drinking alcohol, you can be charged as an adult for being under aged.

   I hope the President hands out Impeachment Acquittal Pens at the State of Union.

   You know how well a friend's kitchen remodeling job came out when you can't find the garbage can.

   If the coronavirus came from eating raw bats, then Ozzy Osbourne is patient zero.

   I'm in the mood for some Bat Foo Yung, Moo Goo Gai Bat and Bat Rangoon.

   Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

   Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

   Ambition, is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

   Depression, is merely anger without enthusiasm

   Look I'm not saying I'm old, but when I was young rainbows were black and white..

   Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say..