Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.

   Guys, if you really want her to stop complaining about the toilet seat being up, pee with it down a few times.

   Sitting here watching CNN & I like whats going in Egypt, let it be a lesson to other governments to never bite the hand that feeds you...

   Next time someone tells you that you look familiar,tell them you wore a condom!

   Just heard this guys phone ring at McD's, it said "Friend With Benefits Calling, Friend with Benefits Calling." I guess the chick had Health Insurance?

   : Say this fast-  { I, 1, 2, 1/2, 6} *Like* if you get it

   How many bears could Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

   the 80s had the best 80s music.

   The power of Friday compels you! The power of Friday compels you!

   Don't be a drag, just be a queen.

   Justin Beiber's new movie comes out tonight and is already getting oscar buzz for Best Actress in a Comedy

   I'm celebrating Egypt's freedom by eating the top of the food pyramid all day.

   I think I'm gonna wrap myself in a box, label it anywhere and see where I end up. I've always loved to gamble.

   I was on my driving lesson when the instructor said, "You need to change gear." I said, "Sorry I just feel comfortable dressed as a scuba diver."

   *Boop* I got your nose!...No..you don't...

   Dina Lohan said "God has a plan for Lindsay". Dina, God's plan is simpler than that. It's called "porn".

   wants you to spit your drink at the person sitting across from you and tell them it's because you were laughing at this.

   5 out of 6 people enjoy playing Russian Roulette

   Whenever a person uses "then" instead of "than" on Facebook, an angel drop kicks a puppy.

   When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who make balloon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be.