Funny Status Messages and Tweets

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   $60 to fill my gas tank last night. It's the apocalypse!!! I'm going to Walmart, buying me a water hose and I'm going on a siphon spree.........

   I guess it time to test my theory that Vodka (being alcohol) should kill the flu virus.......

   You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say guess what.

   Hangover in progress.....please do not disturb. I think I have the >>wine flu this morning..............

   thinks "going to the gym" should mean more than just walking there and then walking home.

   I don't think I could ever be with a woman who is just like me. For one thing, she'd be way too big and hairy.

   The Royal Mail are releasing stamps of famous prostitutes. They cost 20p each but if you lick them it's 45p.

   So when your sexting...do you get a phoner?

   Actually has a dai off tomorrow? Wow, it's been so long I can't even remember how to spell it

   If you're a cannibal does that make every fight a food fight?

   If you really want to get to know someone, start arguing with them.

   man falls out of a deer stand and dies...and people say...he died doing what he loved to do....which was falling out of trees?

   Real cases, real people, real emotional abuse....JUDGE JUDY

   My grandma and your grandma were sitting by the fire, my grandma pushed your grandma right in the fire...that's just how she rolls.

   A t.v. christian dating site commercial : Hey Christians, want to be in a meaningful relationship? ...whoa whoa whoa...arent they IN a MEANINGFUL relationship...with GOD?

   I'll have a cheeseburger, minus the burger, cheese, bread, and add tequila

   A school in Kentucky is going to start teaching the Bible in the class room.....yea that's great...but I didn't know anyone in Kentucky knew how to read.

   Whenever I say, "I don't mean that in a bad way"... yeah, I probably do.

   Democrats...Republicans...News Media....Racial tension....let's put the blame where it belongs....THANKS EVE, HAVE "ANOTHER " APPLE !!!!!