Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You look just like Natalie Portman, only without the good looks.

   9 out of 10 voices in my head tell me to pull the trigger. The 10th one says RELOAD!

   I still say the gas stations should play some porn on their Pump TV's , might as watch something good while I am being screwed at the pump.

   This must be the has been edition of celebrity apprentice.

   I think Charlie Sheen should be asked to be on "Dancing with the Stars"... that would be a TRAIN WRECK...

   Happy International Women's Day, the world doesn't turn without us!!

   I want to wish all the women out there a Happy International Woman's Day!! I plan on celebrating it by giving money to Charity...and Candy...and Mercedes...and the other one usually on stage 4...

   Sorry, I meant to, but life happened.

   it really Women's day and Fat Tuesday on the same day?

   I've always had an over active imagination. Like one time I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of tango, it took me a while to work out it was just a fanta sea.

   Hey Obama, I could really use that "change" right now! I'm at the gas pump and could really use some extra quarters!!

   The least they can do while screwing me at the gas pump is to pull my hair!!!

   I was getting ready for a costume party, and tried leaving the house in my boxers holding a bottle of wine, my gf asked me what are you doing, I said I am going as Charlie Sheen..

   Be sure to drink your Charliesheen!

   the New Jersey Devils are winning at a pace that would make Charlie Sheen envious

   According to a recent survey... Arizona is the 29th happiest state in the U.S... I'm not sure how I feel about that...

   International Women's Day... Because it's not like you want attention on any other day...

   I wanna be a billionaire so freakin bad buy all of the things I never had...I wanna be on the cover of Playboy magazine smiling next to Charlie Sheen...

   Fat Tuesday, the day obese people look forward to. The day they think it's socially acceptable to wear leggings and belly shirts. It's not.

   Inmate: Dam Officer these cuffs are to tight.... Me: Ooooh my wife says the same thing all the time. Quit whining!