Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why can't the President tackle the real issues? Like mandating all clocks auto-program when there is a time change!

   Some people were dropped as children..But YOU my friend were clearly thrown at a wall!

   I just tried to rewind live TV and it said "Your V+ box has been in energy saving mode and is just waking up" ... crikey I know how it feels!

   "Life is NOT like a box of chocolates, it's more like jar of jalapenos- what you do TODAY can burn your ass TOMORROW!

   It's a new day - a chance to make new friends or piss off a whole new group of people. It could go either way.

   Wow, I had sex last night from 1:58 to 3:01... only felt like a few minutes but I rocked the bed for over an hour!! WOO HOO day light savings!

   OK...it is very important that when it is time to set your clocks ahead to make sure someone didn't already do it before you got there...it's been a long day already

   I figured out why I'm so fat! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says "for extra volume and body". I'm going to start using Dawn dish washing soap. It says "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

   Two wrongs may not make a right, but damn, sometimes it sure puts a smile on my face!

   “People will always talk about you. Might as well give them something to talk about.”

   I would like an order of ambition, & a side of focus, and a large coffee. And could you super size that please? It really needs to last for the rest of the day.

   Economists do it with models

   Instead of telling everybody what colour your damn bra is or to 'like' a certain page as show of support, put 10 bucks in the bloody tin at the shopping center if you really want to help the Japanese people who are reeling from the tsunami. Stop talking o

   wondering why facebook bothers to give us the option of "It's Complicated" in a relationship status. Aren't all relationships complicated because girls are complicated by nature?

   you're looking good today, have you decreased in mass?

   Are we living blind or blindly living??

   A relationship without trust and commitment is like pushing a door that says PULL. It just won't work

   if you ever get mauled by a bear with chain saw hands, I hope he stays away from your face because I think your cute <3

   just visited the virgin islands, and no wits just the islands.

   you're sleeping between a hot girl and a gay dude.You're all naked. who do you turn your back to when you sleep?