Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Actions speak louder than words, but talk is cheap and you have to consider that in this economy.

   Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner.

   Words of wisdom #1: Never buy brownies at Snoop Dogs bake sale.

   I made sushi for my dinner today. I was missing some ingrediants though, so I substituted the fish with ham, the wasabi with mustard and the rice with two slices of bread. Yum! Good sushi!

   I'm swearing off energy drinks! The last one left me so buzzed,I ended up out in my yard for hours freaking out about a double rainbow!

   Do kleptomaniacs take medicine for their condition or do they pay for it?

   I like my men, like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.

   After the age of 35, people start losing 7,000 brain cells a day. That number is tripled if they have a Facebook account.

   Did you know? Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.

   Gas stations need to have a happy hour..

   In life, we have 2 choices: we could spend our time crying for what's gone or instead we could smile for what's to come. That's for us to decide. Now, 1 thing is for sure. Life still goes on, no matter what. It won't wait for us. Join it or be left behind

   Hello Mr. Monster Truck tailgating me with your superbright halogen headlights... I can make my break lights brighter... wanna see?

   When I grow up and become the president of Akunamatata I'm gonna go to war with the whole world.

   Have you ever looked at someone and said to yourself, "Life would be so much better if their mom had just swallowed"?

   1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375 GB in about 3 seconds... And you thought virgin broadband was fast.....

   When someone gives you the finger, Look them straight in the eye and say "you know, there's a pile of crap behind EVERY bird"

   What's the difference between nectarines and peaches? Nectarines don't trade on their daddy's name to get on the TV.

   Entertainment reporters around the world are telling us that Justin Bieber is a cult. Makes you wonder if they had spellcheck turned off when they wrote that.

   I've got a blind date tonight with this girl who is 78.8 inches tall, I can't wait two metre.

   According to a recent study, 100% of people participate in surveys.