Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grab one midget and demand their pot of gold and you get labeled a "public nusance". Anyone could make the same mistake.

   Practice makes perfect......... Does this apply to lying too?

   The one good thing about the English weather...if you don't like it - wait a minute..x

   if it's not worth breaking the BYU honor code then it's not worth doing

   it just dawned on me that the Amish people are seriously laughing at us....and our gas prices!

   Enough with the Charlie sheen already! The guys a walking joke we get it....

   plan for the day. 1. get off work and drink till Monday. 2.figure the rest out later

   When did "wear something green" turn into "dress like an idiot?"

   Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part.

   sniffing coke and ice cubes got stuck in my nose

   wondering how long it took the first humans to realize the first person to die was dead? " Hey man wake up already you are starting to smell."

   Your eyes are red,the beer is green don't party too hard,your not Charlie Sheen!

   time to take out the vibrator. Need my neck and shoulders to start feeling better. What did you think I was going to use it for?

   If you are not looking to get pregnant, the pill is the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   Advice for the Day: Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast

   i may be fat but I'm perfectly good at it, boobs on my chest but I like the look of it, fruit and veg may thin my legs, but chips and dips excite me.

   Irish I was drunk right now..

   I will abide by every single law and regulation while driving...not because I'm a good driver, but because there's a COP behind me.

   just cut in front of a guy wearing camoflage waiting in a long line and when he said something about it... I told him I didn't see him.

   thinks that if I were to become a cannibal, I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony