Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   happy green vomit day!

   wondering how the first prostate exam went..."hold on, you want to stick your finger where?!"

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to see a drug commercial that says, "May cause extreme awesomeness."

   St. Patrick 1 - me 0

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to walk away from, and some I would love to punch in the face

   125 shot of nitrous is like a hot chick with STD's.... You know you wanna hit it but your afraid of the consequences!

   I ate some green cheese yesterday, thinking it was green for St Patricks day. Turns out it was just really bad cheese! I've been sitting on this toilet for 14 hours.

   Some times the only way to win is to not suck at the game.

   Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

   Sometimes the only way to win is not to play the game.

   Working at the pizza place today...I came up with a tastier dough, Would you like to try my dill dough?

   ending the night with green beer in a sippy cup!

   i already owns a 3D television. I call it "my window."

   You know that movie Anaconda? They filmed it in my pants

   If chains and whips excite rihanna then why did she break up with Chris Brown ?

   Can't believe I forgot my wife was on her period. Boy is my face red.

   Are a bag of Skittles considered a serving of fruit? If so, I'm eating healthy today.

   It must suck for Jimmer that he is the leading scorer in the nation, but isn't allowed to score!

   Freedom is never free. But it will lower gas prices soon !

   It's St. Patty's Day! Does the green stuff that I'm blowing out of my nose count?