Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my wife that men are like a fine wine...we only get better with age. The next day ,she locked me in the wine cellar.

   If your music has been featured on "Jersey Shore" your band needs to break up.

   Don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

   Facebook should change ” It's complicated ” to ” It's confusing & stressful. “

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments or a court date.

   My hamster died today. He fell asleep at the wheel.

   You can't hide redneck under a three piece suit

   Moms have "mothers day" Dads have "Fathers day" Lovers have "Valentines day" what do single men have?...Palm Sunday

   Having one of those days where I'm seriously considering swallowing a handcuff key....Just in case.

   Roses are unicorns, violets are green, welcome to the party, I'm Charlie Sheen.

   as a male I kinda get offended when a girl asks me to show her my abs ..Thats kinda like me asking a woman to show me her titts.

   Michael Jacksons twin sister died... R.I.P Elizabeth Taylor...

   as a male I get offended when a girl asks me if I have abs..thats kinda like me asking a woman what size are her titts ..

   In 2 years, the "situation" will change his name to the "cancellation" followed shortly by the "bankruptcy declaration"

   you know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg

   Elizabeth Taylor dead? I thought she had been dead for years.

   Qhaddafi has vowed to defeat the NATO forces. In support of his troops, he has issued them state of the art sling shots and water pistols.

   Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

   Why is Obama so interested in "liberating" Libya anyways, is he planning a vacation there?

   When someone tries to shoot at Colonel Gadaffi,do his bodyguards need to shout 'Gadaffi duck' ?????