Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Around here you don't lose your girl, you just lose your turn ..

   roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs

   WHAT I HAVE LEARNED: 'Hold me closer Tony Danza' sounds better than 'Tiny Dancer'...just say'n.

   believe it or not, there's people out there that actually liked "Grease 2"

   Just killed a spider for stepping on my shoes.........#ThugLife

   I was focused on getting a beautiful brunette with a great body. Beer goggles sure do correct tunnel vision.

   Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

   Why are there so many First baptist Churches? One of those has to be second, third..........

   Why don't more hunters set up their stands at the deer crossing signs.

   Why do they have "Slow Children" Crossing so many roads.

   Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" who get's the other penny......taxes

   i wish the brightness control on my TV made the people smarter

   you know your getting old when you get out of bed and your body pops more then bubble wrap

   A womans legs are her best friends but sometimes even the best of friends must part.

   Dear Weather Channel, the mancrush you have on Jim Cantore and his lame storm stories is getting ridiculous...Can I just see my local forecast please?!

   (_̅_̲̲̲̲̲̅̅̅̅̅̅̅_̅__̅_̅_̅()~~~ passs it!!!

   The only wet dream I had about you was when you got hit by a bus and I pissed my pants laughing

   Today I'm going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.

   I just saw a hobo on the side of the road with a sign that said "Hungry Hungry Hobo."

   today's weight loss tip: use super glue as lipgloss...