Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I'm offering my "Tasting Menu" which is where I open the cans that got lost in the back of my cabinet and say, "Here, taste this."

   feels Ripped Off after having bought this book titled "How to Make a Woman Constantly Happy"..... 469 Blank Pages!! :-/

   The fake laugh you do when you don't understand what somebody just said to you. You're like :D but deep inside you're like o_O

   Just found out it was raining by looking outside. WTF, Facebook? You're supposed to tell me these things first!

   Just because no one liked your "funny" status the first time you posted doesn't mean you should post it 6 more times.

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send".

   So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!

   I don't think I could ever work for Research In Motion (the maker of BlackBerry). How do I tell my parents I got a RIM job?

   Those women on the Real Housewives. I'm not sure what's more fake: their personalities or their breasts

   Called animal control cause I found a nest outside my window. Never knew those guys were so good at pickin up chicks

   Apparently episodes of General Hospital are being replaced by Prison Break. Looks like daytime TV just dropped the soap..

   It seems like only yesterday that my abs didn't have the letters "FL" in front of them.

   Im not as smart as a 5th grader ...but I think I could kick the shi%t out of one of them..!!!!

   ‎,,!,,(-.-),,!,, in this kind of mood

   Cutting onions doesn't make me cry. I became indifferent to their suffering years ago.

   Um.... how is that akward? Well, unless you were sitting in your room naked with a bowl of Jell-o.

   I'm writing a book about cheap imported cars... It's a real Saab story.

   I love those sayings that have 2 opposite words in them... Exact Estimate - Act Naturally - Small Crowd - Found Missing - Happily Married...

   Honey, you spread rumors almost just as Much as you spread your legs.

   Seeing a spider is nothing, it becomes a problem when it disappears