Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been to the dentist several times so I know the drill

   Some people sing to plants to help them grow. That's one reason I scream at the top of my lungs the entire time I mow.

   a recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

   im pretty sure charlie sheen will get fired from his own comedy central roast..

   When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane...

   “Hey, it's been 6 seconds. Check your phone again.” (my brain)

   Thunderstorm knocked out my power so to pass the time, I'm sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets and hoping the power doesn't come back on.

   The next time you feel the need to post a picture of yourself holding a phone in a mirror, don't. The word tool first comes to mind.

   I'm looking forward to the day when Jesus points to me, and turns to our Father and says, "This one is mine!"

   "Use As Directed" is just a personal challenge to my creativity.

   Next time send the navy seals after Casey, not the Orange county sheriff

   Why won't the bank give me my cash in bags with dollar signs on them?.. That'd be cool."

   Wishing my dog had a snooze button!!

   I am starving, but not "get up out of the floor of the shower and make some food" starving.

   My refrigerator is like a condiment time capsule.

   The OJ trial started the Kardashian tradition of getting black guys off

   Disclaimer: I'm really bad at judging what size Tupperware container leftovers will fit in.

   It must really suck to be a podium salesman. "Are your arms tired out from holding five pieces of paper?" You need a podium!

   I hate when cashiers ask you if that's everything. Oh no, I'd also like all this invisible sh!t.

   We should sentence Casey Anthony to 4 years of watching Tyler Perry movies.