Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   happy to see that Octomom's Today Show interview cut short by the space shuttle launch. Why is she still on the news? It's not like she killed one of them, did she?

   If your woman is overweight, carry her on your back then suddenly fall. That way she'll know she needs to cut back on the fast food without you ever saying anything.

   if your not first your last!... Ricky Bobby.

   Casey Anthony wants to be out of jail by Halloween, so she can dress up as a woman who didn't kill her baby

   Certain people think they are way more important then they actually are. Especially where I work.

   I have been on hold for the past ten minutes!! If I ever find the guy who invented automated telephone systems, I'm going to give him a choice - Press 1 to be kicked in the nuts, Press 2 to burst into flames and die or Press 3 to go to hell.

   I am Gadaffi stressed right now.

   I love God. I just don't like the peope who work for him.

   Dear person who comes into a restaurant 5 mins before closing: Please burst into flames and die.

   Thanks to "2 girls, 1 cup" I can never eat chocolate soft serve ice cream again.

   Am I the only one who saves all the marshmellows in my bowl of Lucky Charms for last?

   Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend's head...

   If you don't like Mexican immigrants, then you go pick oranges for $5 a day.

   Men: 99% of the women you will meet take antidepressants. Just accept the fact.

   When David Beckham scored, I'd drink BECKS, when Paul Scholes scored, I'd drink SKOL, when Kenny Miller scored, I'd drink MILLER. Thank God David Seaman played as a goalkeeper!

   It didn't look that hot from inside, but as soon as I stepped outside, it was like Satan farted in my face...

   How do you stop a man breaking in your house?? Replace the locks with bra fasteners.

   went to a movie tonight with 18 blonds!!! they said because 18 and under was not allowed

   I wish the world were a fly and I was a giant rolled up newspaper.

   Scrolling down your Facebook News Feed can sometimes be just like scrolling down the spam folder in your yahoo mail.