Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know how you're in a rush to meet someone or be somewhere at a certain time and then they call you to find out where you are, you're so far away you lie and tell them you're somewhere like 10 min ahead of you

   When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

   why does LIFE keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

   i just perfectly reverse parked my truck into a tight spot... Turns out the "tight Spot" was my girlfriend...

   The moment of panic when the traffic light turns yellow and your mind instantly screams, "Can I make it?!".

   Someone just told me that thw word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never noticed him. What's up little guy?

   wondering what it takes to kill that 0.01% of germs.

   NAACP blasts CNN for its lack of diversity in prime time. Strangely silent on MSNBC wonderbread lineup.

   Naming a male baby is rarely easy. Go with a cool name, like Nosferatu.

   A minor typo has made me realize what an adorable thing it would be to have a significant otter.

   NASCAR in KENTUCKY!! WOOOHOOOO!! Where there will be more fans than teeth and you will hear this: "Please remove your mulllets for the singing of the National Anthem"

   Earlier I tapped my foot twice to a song. Sometimes the dance just bursts right out of me.

   always gives 100% at work...25% Monday, 15% Tuesday, 5% Wednesday, 3% Thursday, 2% Friday and 50% sleeping throughout

   Today........"WORK" is a 4 letter word!!

   Weird compliments are fun. "I like your shoelaces man." "Why? They're just regular shoelaces?" "Hey now, don't be insecure, those shoelaces are smazzylicious," then walk away. Their expression way

   This Sunny D tastes like I can't afford orange juice.

   When my texts won't send, I feel isolated, like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away".

   It's pretty cowardly to put a ding in someone's car door without at least leaving a note scratched into the paint, such as, "LOL! -->"

   Dear FAMILY: Thanks so much for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. Now I can have disappointment for breakfast.

   Relax. Let the world turn without your help. Don't try so hard to be in control of everything.