Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Miss Brazil was robbed at gunpoint. According to Witnesses It was a clean snatch

   Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee.

   Dear Warner Bros: Now that I'm an adult, I feel I'm am old enough to hear what the "Beep Beep" is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.

   I just keyed 2+2=5 onto the hood of a Smart Car.

   Not being able to see the forest for the bears is a lot worse.

   Have you ever wondered why you can always read your doctor's bill but you can never read his prescription?

   If you're a size 0 we shouldn't be able to see you.

   If you want me to walk a mile in your shoes, you're going to have to buy the Dr. Scholls inner soles, ointments and powders

   Today is Moon Day and Ugly Truck Day. So if you own an Ugly Truck, please feel free to Moon people today, but for safety's sake please only do it at red lights.

   Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?

   I follow my wife around with my XBox controller in my hand while she cooks and cleans, I call it SIM B*tch!!

   wondering if Les Miles thinks he should have taken that job at Michigan...

   I get to curse like a sailor because my mommy drinks like one

   Only if you held me like you held your pride, we would still be together to this day.

   I am the kind of guy who will call you on your landline and ask you if you are at home.

   When my phone falls, I panic. When my friend falls, I laugh my a$$ off.

   I found out today that you could group your friends on Facebook and name the group whatever you want, however I didn't know it would send the people notificati​ons saying that I added them to the, "People I've screwed" group. Really sorry guys.

   Sticking a tongue out is kids' way of giving someone the middle-finger.

   my handheld social networking device is ringing! what do I do?.

   This status update you are reading is brought to you by your psychological addiction to Facebook. If you don't believe you are an addict, then why did you finish reading this status update......?